On Day 9, we focused on the fact that Jesus is faithful even when we are faithless. I find that comforting. When I am struggling with my faith…He’s still faithful. I shared our decision to learn and teach Ryan sign language.
Ron and I decided to take parallel paths in our approach to Ryan’s deafness…sign language AND technology. We were actively learning about different kinds of hearing aids that would help Ryan hear and understand sound. Ryan’s ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist) wanted him to have an MRI to detect any inner ear abnormalities that would possibly be reversible with surgery.
The MRI revealed that Ryan was missing his Semicircular Canals. Semicircular Canals are basically your balance center. They are responsible for sending signals to the brain that help you keep your balance. Well, Ryan did not have those. At two and a half years old Ryan had learned to sit up but was not walking yet. He was in physical therapy twice a week but it had not helped.
Of course our next question to Ryan’s ENT was if he would ever be able to walk. His answer…possibly. He explained that Ryan’s balance would have to be learned. It was not instinctual for him. The ENT felt it would be possible… but it would be difficult.
“Lord, Ryan may or may not walk?! Okay, You and me…we need to talk…spare bedroom!”
Interestingly, this time in the spare bedroom I was not overwhelmed, I was not discouraged, I was not having a faith crisis. I was in warrior mommy mode. “Lord, I will do everything within my power to help Ryan walk. I need you to help me do that, please.” I was determined that if Ryan was unable to walk, it was not for lack of trying.
Ryan was strong-willed and I was sure he was up for the challenge. So, we found him a pint-sized walker and set about teaching him to use it. Simultaneously, we were testing out different hearing aids each month to see if Ryan would benefit from any of them. More on that to come.
Read Colossians 1:9-13
This is a letter that states how Paul and Timothy were praying over the church at Colossae.
What did Paul ask The Lord to “fill” the followers of Christ with?
He asked that they be filled, so that they could accomplish what?
It took over two and a half years, but this little girl was growing up spiritually. I had cried before The Lord, vented my anger and frustration, and grieved the loss of normalcy. He faithfully listened and provided guidance, wisdom, and help along my Faith Journey. I was now resolved that He was my wisdom Giver and faithful Provider in every situation. That did not mean I was not overwhelmed at times, but I had come to know and experience His faith affirming presence too often to deny. He was filling me up with His holiness “so that I would bear fruit in every good work and grow in the knowledge of God.”
How is The Lord “filling you up” in the knowledge of Him? Pray and thank Him for His active work of refining in your life. He has a purpose in the preparation…Hang in there!
Ryan and his walker…he was quite the little speedster!
Going before the Father on your behalf. Stay on the faith path, my friend!
On Day 8, I shared about the cross-road I faced on my own Faith Journey. One path named “bitter” and the other named “better.” I reluctantly chose to travel the “better” path. I chose obedience over my feelings of frustration and anger. I had to recall that “Thus far, The Lord has helped me” and that He would not abandon me now.
Our Ryan was almost 2 years old and Deaf. I was, again, dependent on “The Master Dot-Connector” to help me with every decision. I was completely clueless about deafness and needed The Lord’s guidance.
Through much research and prayer, Ron and I chose to teach Ryan sign language. We were exploring hearing aid options but Ryan was 2-years old with NO language. He was exhibiting extreme frustration and tantrums because we could not communicate with him and vice versa. Thankfully, God connected us to our local school district’s “Parent-Infant Hearing Impaired Program.”
This program provided sign language therapy for infants from birth to 3 years of age. We were assign a Deaf Education teacher named Kathy. She came to our home 3 days a week to teach Ryan, and myself sign language. Then, I would teach my husband what we had learned in the evening.
Kathy was an amazing blessing to my life. I would watch intently as she would teach Ryan different signs. As she was teaching, she would explain to me her methodology and how I would implement this with Ryan through our homework assignments.
Ryan was a quick learner and took to signing like a fish to water. However, he was a very determined and strong-willed little boy. One day while Kathy was there, Ryan decided to have a melt-down. Kathy watched as I tried to, ineptly, discipline him. She could sense my frustration and asked if she could share some insight…I welcomed the help!
Kathy explained that in sign language, facial expressions and body language are just as important as the sign itself. While I was signing, “no, wrong behavior,” my facial expressions were not showing Ryan that I was upset with him. She went on to explain that I was smiling while telling him “no.” I had no idea I was doing that. Ryan was just so darn cute, he made me smile even when he was being cantankerous.
Then, I watched Kathy tell Ryan “no” in sign language with a facial expression that showed she meant business. Ryan immediately settled down.
Oh my GOODNESS…this precious women had just changed my life! She had shared the secret sauce of “signing discipline.” I felt silly at first, but I started signing with facial expressions that matched the signs and emotion I was trying to convey. Ryan was learning when mommy was happy AND when she was not so happy with his behavior. Life Changing!!!!! Hallelujah! I was beginning to feel like maybe I could do this sign language thing with Ryan.
At first the diagnosis of Ryan being profoundly Deaf and the daunting list of decisions we needed to make were quite overwhelming to say the least. As I shared yesterday, I almost let it paralyze my Faith Journey. But gently, taking one day at a time, I was heading down my “better” path a little stronger each day…with Jesus guidance.
Read 2 Timothy 2:11-13
Write verse 13 in your own words:
Even when we are faithless He is faithful. That’s his character. He cannot disown Himself (verse 13-in my own words). Jesus is our enduring strength for the journey.
In the New Testament, NIV translation, the word faith is used 458 times. I think that means it’s pretty important, wouldn’t you?!
Maybe you needed a reminder today that He is faithful even when we are faithless, lack faith, or are facing a crisis of faith. We need to understand, Jesus is not impressed with our ability to have faith in our faith…to talk the talk but not walk the walk. That’s false faith. Our faith is not established in our pretending to be faithful. Our actions should be an overflow of genuine faith and trust in the only One who is called Faithful. If you lack faith…ask Him for it.
Pray and seek the Lord today with what’s on your plate. Ask him to continually remind you of His faithfulness…one-day-one-decision-at-a-time. Faith is a journey not a race. Slow and steady…
Thank you to those that have shared your struggles both publicly by comment or privately by email. I am humbled that you would take this Faith Journey and are finding benefit and comfort through His Word and my God-story.
Praying with and for you, sweet one. Keep up the great work!
Look at that sweet face! Now can you understand why not smiling while disciplining was hard at first? LOL!
On Day 8, I shared Ryan’s diagnosis that changed everything about our lives. Our Ryan was Deaf. We had to grieve his hearing loss much like you would grieve a death. The Lord could not bring healing to our hurts until we accepted His will, whatever that may be.
The last stage of the grief process is acceptance. I want to be completely honest with you, friends. The Lord and I had come a long way together on our Faith Journey. He had grown me up spiritually in ways that I would not trade for anything. But, even with the great distance The Lord and I had traveled together…I was struggling to find His goodness in Ryan’s deafness. I was standing at a cross-road on my Faith Journey. I could turn away from my Savior in anger and become bitter OR I could cling to Him with what little strength I had and allow Him to make me better.
So, at this cross-road, do I choose the path named “bitter” or the path named “better?” If I choose “bitter,” that would mean doing life without the help and guidance of The Lord. I would need to depend on MY wisdom…that’s scary. If I chose “better,” that would mean complete acceptance of our situation, allowing His healing of our broken hearts, and completely leaning on His guidance and wisdom.
Kicking and screaming…I chose the path named “better.” I let The Lord know I was not happy about it. But, came to a place of acceptance.
In every situation, we have a choice. I chose the path leading to “better.” It was my choice of obedience over my feelings. I was not, at all, feeling happy that my child was Deaf. However, The Lord’s desire was/is not to make me happy. It’s to make me holy. He was asking me to look back at our Faith Journey together and remember who He is and what He has done thus far.
Read 1 Samuel 7: 1-12
The Israelites are a fascinating people. One minute they are serving and praising God. The next, they are making and worshipping golden calves. They had experienced the literal presence of God and seen His miracles first hand. And yet, they had a pattern of forgetting all God had done for them when things got tough.
In 1 Samuel 7, Israel was is bad shape. Their cities were in shambles, armies destroyed, and they were being bullied by the Philistines. Why? They were disobedient to God. But, the Israelites had come to a place of desperation and needed God’s help. Verse 2 says that, “all of Israel lamented (mourned) and sought The Lord.” Samuel called them to repent with all their heart and turn back to God. They chose to be obedient to God.
Because of the Israelites obedience, God sent confusion over the Philistines and what was left of the Israelite army defeated them.
Write out 1 Samuel 7: 12
What did Samuel “set-up?” Why?
An “Ebenezer” or “stone of help,” was set-up as a remembrance that “thus far The Lord has helped us.”
We should regularly set-up Ebenezers is our own lives. Your Ebenezers do not have to be actual stones. Use prayer journals or your Bible Study workbooks to record your prayers and how The Lord works in your life.
We need to be reminded often that “Thus far, The Lord has helped us.” So that, when we are standing at a cross-road on our Faith Journey, we can look back and remember His faithfulness. Then, confidently and obediently (not necessarily with happiness), choose the path named “better.”
Pray and give thanks, “Thus far, The Lord has helped us.” He’s not gonna stop now. He’s got too many plans for your sweet life!
Choose the faith path named “better” today. I’m praying for you, my friend!
It was the end of summer, 1997, Ryan was 18 months old. My husband and I were waiting for the audiologist to finish Ryan’s sedated hearing test. Because Ryan did not receive a hearing test while he was in NICU after his birth, his pediatrician set the appointment for us. It was routine… Just another doctor’s appointment to add to the growing list.
Finally, after an hour, we were called back to be with Ryan and learn the test results. The audiologist took a deep breath and said, “your son is profoundly deaf. We did the test twice just to be sure. Ryan can not hear anything out of either ear… I’m so very sorry.”
We did not expect that AT ALL. We were in denial and completely ignorant…Ryan seemed so keenly aware of his surroundings and babbled like crazy. In fact, one of Ryan’s specialists rang a bell next to his head and he turned. Deaf, really?! This was just supposed to be an easy, routine appointment for once!!! We were in shock.
The next day, I was playing with Ryan on our living room floor. He was laughing out loud enjoying our playtime together. I looked at him in disbelief. This child could not possible be deaf. I decided to do my own home hearing test. I went around the corner and began to bang pot and pans hoping for a reaction…Nothing. Then, I turned on our stereo full blast…Nothing. I called his name from around the corner just out of his line of sight…Nothing.
Over the next days and weeks, I began to set my mind on finding a solution. The questions swirling around in my head were about hearing aids, sign language, retesting, and about a million other things I was completely clueless about. I spent hours on the phone talking with doctors, audiologists, and specialists trying to find out how to “fix” Ryan’s deafness. 20 years ago, the web was slow and tedious. So, I began reading books about deafness from the library and tracking down people who could help me better understand what we were facing.
During this time of my “solution seeking expedition” regarding Ryan’s deafness, I decided to take him to “story-time” at our church library. It was a fun time with my friends and their toddlers. The librarian was a skilled story-teller and always made it memorable. This was our first time back since Ryan’s diagnosis.
As the librarian began telling the story, I got a lump in my throat as I held back tears. Ryan could not hear the inflection and excitement in her voice. I watched the other toddlers getting excited with each turn of the page. Ryan… had no reaction at all. Why had I not noticed this before?
Story time ended, I did not stay around for fellowship. I could not get out of there fast enough! I barely got Ryan buckled into his car seat before I burst into tears. My first instinct was to drive directly to my mom’s house…. she was not home. Then, I tried to call my husband, Ron, at work…. he was unavailable.
I had no choice…God was calling me to Himself.
I rushed home, got Ryan settled in for a nap, and headed to my spare bedroom “prayer altar” yet again. My Ryan could hear NOTHING. Sound had no meaning to him what-so-ever. He did not know the sound of mine or his dad’s voice. He never heard the millions of times I said, “I Love You.” I’m Ryan’s mom, how did I miss the signs?! Would he ever hear my voice?! Oh Lord, how could this possibly be your will?! How can any good come from this at all?!
As I have shared, this was not the first time I have cried out to The Lord over Ryan. But this time was different. I had to completely release my ideas of “normal” in relation to our precious son. I was literally grieving Ryan’s diagnosis of profound deafness much like you would someone’s death. Over the next several weeks, I experienced all 5 stages of grief:
Our lives would be forever different. We had a deaf son. What did our “new normal” even look like?
Read Psalm 146:
In verses 6-9, list those that The Lord upholds, helps, sets free, heals, loves, watches over, and sustains:
Are you on that list? Yep! You are not forsaken or overlooked, my friend.
Imagine standing in the middle of a valley surrounded by mountains on every side. The only way out is to go up and over a mountain. Do you think the journey will be easy? Absolutely not! The task seems overwhelming, tiresome, emotionally and spiritually draining.
Even when we fail to understand God’s purpose…we must trust His heart. I can promise that when you reach the mountain peak, you will look back and see The Lord’s guiding in every step of the journey. You may have callous on your feet from the long and tedious trek up that mountain, but guard your heart from becoming calloused toward The Lord. He is for you.
Pray and ask The Lord to sustain you. You are not on this Faith Journey alone. He’s your guide. So, let Him guide…you follow.
I am continually lifting you up before the Father. Until tomorrow…
Yesterday’s devotion, was based on Romans 5:1-5. To actively seek The Lord in crisis produces perseverance…perseverance produces hope…our hope in Christ alone brings about holiness through the work of The Holy Spirit in our lives.
Today, Let’s continue the theme of holiness…
As you have traveled this Faith Journey with me, on Days 1-5, I shared how God was beginning to teach me His character and develop that character in me. It was and is an active ongoing process between the two of us.
Let me try to explain it this way…I can describe to you the most gorgeous place on this earth. I can even show you pictures. You might grasp some of what I am trying my best to explain. But, if I take you there you can truly experience it. You can grasp the beauty, the awe, the smells, the sights, and the sounds for yourself. Then and only then, will you fully understand.
In the same way, we cannot experience the character of God that produces holiness without Him taking us there. Most often we learn who He is down in the valleys of life. The difficulties, hardships, sicknesses, loss, and so on define our walk with Christ like nothing else ever could. I could not experience the peace of God until I desperately NEEDED His all-consuming peace to flood the deepest part of my anguish. I learned perseverance with each new diagnosis. My hope came out of my perseverance. I began to grasp His goodness because of who He is and not just what he does.
Re-read James 1:1-5 from yesterday’s devotion:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance(patience). Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 (emphasis mine)
Take a look at Galatians 5:22-2:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23
Here’s the deal—The characteristics of God produced in our lives do not happen overnight. Oh, how I wish they did. Fruit does not grow over-night. It’s a process, right?! Therefore, the work of the Holy Spirit is to make us Christ-like. To become Christ-like (holy) is an ongoing, growing process.
Galatians lays out the 9 “fruit of the Spirit.” Notice it does not say “fruits of the Spirit.” Why? Because they are one unit. To be holy as Christ is holy means to exhibit all 9 “fruit“ simultaneously. In order for that to happen, The Lord will help us work out each of the“fruit” individually before they can be displayed through our lives as one unit.
When (not if)The Lord allows trial in our lives, He is building a foundation of trust and dependence on Him that develop holy characteristics in our lives.
Your homework today is to trace the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. Write the circumstance and/or the scripture The Lord used to help produce the “fruit of the Spirit”…His character…his holiness in your life.
(Galatians 5:22-23″)
Love—
Joy—
Peace—
Patience (endurance or perseverance)—
Kindness–
Goodness—
Faithfulness—
Gentleness—
Self-control—
It’s okay if your “fruit” is still in the ripening process. Remember, we are all a work in progress. God is refining us…strengthening us…teaching us…sanctifying us…molding us to His likeness.
Pray that The Lord will continue to reveal Himself to you in a powerful way. We are meant to “display” Jesus for others to see. Take care of and cultivate your fruit of the Spirit today.
In the coming days, I will share Ryan’s diagnosis that changed everything…The Lord was building a foundation of faith in my life SO THAT I could accept what He was about to reveal.
On Day 4 we focused on the goodness of our God. We learned that God’s goodness is not based on His actions alone…it’s who He is. When we try to define God’s goodness from our limited perspective, we will be disappointed. God’s ongoing work in our lives is to produce His holiness. Often, that can be a painful process.
Today, let’s focus on the process of becoming holy. Holiness is not something we will fully achieve this side of glory. Holiness is the ongoing, active work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
I was beginning to learn this process of holiness throughout our Ryan story. At that time, I was completely desperate for The Lord’s presence, comfort, peace, guidance, help, and any other adjectives that can be added to this list. I was desperate…period. My desperation kept drawing me back to Him constantly. I did not know much, but I knew enough to seek the Only One who had answers.
My prayer journal entry from August 1996 (six weeks after our Ryan’s open-heart surgery):
” Lord, I praise You that Ryan is getting stronger every day. I see progress. However, his pediatrician is concerned that he is not sitting up on his own yet. We are starting physical therapy. Please help Ryan to gain strength.
I am tired. I thought that after his open-heart surgery all would be good. Why is he not meeting benchmarks? Lord, help my unbelief when things get difficult. Help me to rest in Jesus…In the calm assurance of His grace and mercy. Your Word says that you have a plan and purpose for my life (and Ryan’s) and that you are faithful to complete it.
Once again, I come before you and beg that You, oh Lord, empty this vessel of self and fill it with Your Holy Spirit to be used and poured out for Your glory.
I love you, Lord, make it my heart’s desire to follow and cling to you even when I don’t “feel” like it, when I’m tired…overwhelmed…discouraged…struggling with unbelief.
Please give me strength and wisdom to be Ryan’s mom. You have trusted me with this special gift. I don’t want to mess up. I NEED You, I cannot do this on my own.”
Read Romans 5:1-5
According to verse 3 and 4 what does suffering produce in our lives if we hold steadfast to our faith?
Answer honestly…would you have these characteristics if not for your difficulties, suffering, or trials?
I know I would not. Utter and desperate dependence on The Lord Jesus has come as a result of my sufferings. My suffering has produced perseverance. My hope in Christ is the result of my perseverance (patience). My hope and faith established in Jesus Christ alone, brings about the sanctification of holiness.
Read James 1:2-5
What does the testing of our faith bring? What about the work of perseverance or patience?
The word perseverance or patience (in some translations) is the Greek word humomone.This word does not describe passiveness but an active endurance.
In Tony Evan’s book, “Your Comeback,” he states:
“We often make the mistake of being inactive when we’re facing trials and challenges of life. When the mountain seems too high to climb or too large to move, we sit and leave it all for God to do. But, too often, while we think we are waiting on God, He is actually waiting on us. He is waiting to see if we will take an action of faith, even in the face of the impossible.”
The impossible is possible with God alone! But, we have to be actively pursuing our faith journey with Him. Sometimes, we become so paralyzed by our circumstances that we do nothing. Our faith is not passive. It’s active. God is working in and through us continually. AND, we must actively pursue Him with our obedience. Our Creator God has so much to teach us. Let’s be actively involved in the process of learning.
Don’t know what to do…tell Him. Feeling overwhelmed…tell Him. Struggling with unbelief…tell Him. Battling discouragement and/or depression…Tell Him. Actively seeking God, in the midst of struggles, will produce godly characteristics, called holiness.
Pray and ask The Lord to bring about His holiness through perseverance as you actively seek Him. He is faithful to do it!
Keep on trucking through our Faith Journey. Jesus is so worth it! I’m praying for you, my sojourning sister!
On Day 3, we discussed The Lord as the “Master Dot Connector” in each of our lives. He takes what seems like randomness and connects us to others to accomplish His plan with perfect precision. Today, we are going to start wrestling with the question of God’s goodness. When pain and suffering come into our lives, is God good?
The day we had dreaded most finally arrived. At six months old, Ryan was diagnosed as “failure to thrive.” His cardiologist determined that he needed open-heart surgery sooner rather than later. Ryan was so frail and weighed only 11 pounds.
At Ryan’s pre-op appointment, Ron and I listen in horror as the cardiac surgeon explained the details of his open-heart surgery. The surgeon went over how they would crack open Ryan’s little chest…stop his heart…place him on a heart by-pass machine…and operate on his tiny heart which was smaller than your two thumbs put together (knuckle to tip).
As we began the daunting process of preparing (emotionally) for surgery day God would, again, use Heidi, her husband, and their Ryan K to minister us (see Day 1 if you missed this story). Ryan K had made it through his open-heart surgery and was doing extremely well. They were an amazing encouragement of what could be.
A couple of nights before Ryan’s surgery, our young adult Sunday school class came to our home and held a prayer service over us. Heidi, Ryan K’s mom, brought a photo album of pictures she had taken right after his surgery. She asked to show them to me privately. Through tears she explained that she wanted us to be prepared for what our Ryan would look like after surgery. I remember looking at those pictures and being shocked at all the tubes and monitors hooked up to Ryan K’s little body. I am so thankful that the Lord prompted Heidi to take those photos so she could minister to me in such special way. The Master Dot Connector…2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Our long drive to the hospital was silent. I believe Ron and I were just physically exhausted and emotionally numb . I finally broke the silence with a question I had thought but never said out loud, “if Ryan doesn’t make it, should we donate his organs?” Ron’s voice cracked with his one word response, “yes.”
The day of the surgery, Ryan was so fussy and hungry. I was trying my hardest to calm him with just a pacifier while holding back tears of my own. It was time, the nurse came to escort us to the surgery holding area. When we arrived, Ryan snuggled into my neck and fell fast asleep. He was finally peaceful and relaxed. A few moments later the anesthesiologist took our sleeping, precious treasure into his arms. Ron and I kissed Ryan’s sweet head and watched as he was walked down the hall and out of sight.
We both walked into the hall way and completely lost it. Ron and I held each other sobbing for what seemed like hours. We had literally just laid our greatest earthly treasure on the altar before The Lord.
Would God intervene and heal Ryan or take him home to heaven? Our Ryan was in His hands. There was absolutely nothing we could do, except pray.
The surgery was 6 excruciating hours. To our relief, Ryan made it through surgery without complications. We praise The Lord for that everyday. But…what if he had not? Is God still good? When the outcomes are not what we had hoped or prayed, is God still good?
With each new diagnosis, surgery, and therapy I wrestled with this question. Is God good? Remember, I am sharing my experience with you through a 22 year rear view perspective. At that time, in the middle of my valleys I experienced despair and yes, I had doubts about God’s goodness.
During this season, the floor of our spare bedroom became my prayer alter. It was there, over and over, that I questioned God’s goodness and poured out my feelings of doubt and unbelief. My problem was that I tried to define what I thought His goodness should be. From my finite understanding, I had a warped view of my situation and how God would show His goodness in the midst. God was patiently teaching me His character of goodness. God is not just good because of what he does…It’s who He is.
Read Psalm 46
Write out verse 1:
In “trouble” who is our help and refuge?
“God is good – not because he causes things that seem or feel ‘good’ to happen in our lives, but because in the midst of the storm, God comes closer to us than the storm could ever be.” Charles Spurgeon
In verse 7, who is our stronghold?
Stronghold means a high, safe place. Our God is our high, safe, refuge, and shelter.
Some of you are going through some STUFF! Painfully excruciating STUFF! The kind of stuff where even breathing and blinking hurt. Your God wants to become your stronghold if you will allow Him to.
Pray Psalm 46:1-5 back to the Lord. Allow Him to become your stronghold in the midst of your pain. To be able to proclaim with sincere honesty, “No matter what may come, God IS GOOD!”
Our Ryan hours after surgery. I’m so thankful God connected me with Heidi to prepare for this.
Praying for you, my friend. Stay on the Faith Journey !
Yesterday’s devotion was about self-imposed “extreme guilt syndrome” and/or a heart check regarding sin. Difficult, I know. But, so necessary to our faith journey with The Lord.
Today, we will celebrate His active work in our lives as the Master Dot Connector! I am sure there are seasons in which we feel overwhelmed by what seems like random chaos in our lives. You can be confident, there is absolutely nothing random about our God. He was actively orchestrating His Master Dot Connecting skills in our lives even before we were born.
I am adopted. My parents tried for six years to have children of their own. At their last appointment, the doctor told them that he had exhausted all options. He, then, handed my mom a piece of paper containing the name and number of an adoption agency.
Six months later, they adopted me into their family. I love God’s divine plan but, also, snicker at His sense of humor. Nine months after bringing me home, my mom was pregnant with my middle sister. And four years after that…OOPS! She was pregnant with my baby sister. My dad, bless his heart, was overrun with females. Even our dogs were female.
I always knew I was adopted. My parents did not keep that a secret from me. I was never made to feel “lesser than” my sisters. Through the years, I had questions about my birth parents and all the natural inquisitions about who I might look like. However, I was simply curious. It was never because I felt unloved or unwanted.
At age 18, my mom and I started a search for my birth parents with the adoption agency… nothing came of it. And life went on. I started college, married Ron, and then our Ryan came storming into our lives.
At around 3 months old, Ryan had an appointment with a geneticist. The purpose of this visit was to see if Ryan’s heart condition might be connected to a syndrome.
I was not prepared for the litany of questions regarding mine and Ron’s familial health history. I sat and listen intently as Ron recalled his family history to the best of his recollection. Then it was my turn…I had nothing. I explained that I was adopted and had no medical history. The geneticist’s next words hit me like a brick, “it might be time to have your birth records unsealed.” That just seemed like and overwhelming and daunting task at that time.
After the appointment, Ron went back to work and I headed home with a very tired and irritable Ryan. Maybe The Lord sensed my mounting stress…and decided to unburden me. Of course, I can only speculate on that. But, His timing was certainly awe-worthy to say the least, because that afternoon my phone rang,
“Hello, I’m not sure if you remember me but you and you mom started a search for your birth parents with our agency several years ago. We have just put in place a new search program for those wanting to find their biological parents and you came to my mind. I have found your birth mother and she is anxious to speak with you. Would you like her phone number?”
Ummm…YES, please!
This sweet lady at the agency had no idea how her obedience to the Holy Spirit’s prompting would lighten this girl’s load and minster to my spirit. I was able to share with her just what amazing timing she had through the Lord. She was a Christian and we shared a sweet time of prayer together before we hung up the phone.
That evening with my mom and hubby present, I called my biological mom, Ann. We talked for a long time. We shared and cried, shared and cried. Ann carried a huge amount of guilt about giving me up for adoption. I was able to unburden her heart by reassuring her that I had been given a wonderful life and God used her unselfish act of love to place me exactly where He desired.
I was, also, relieved to learn that there were no extreme health issues that she was aware of on her side of the family. Whew!
Ann lived in Ohio. But, we kept in touch by sharing letters and pictures back and forth for several years. Finally, through circumstances too lengthy to share, we were able to meet face to face for the first time at her home in Ohio.
I was able to have some time alone with Ann and her husband, Wylie. I took the opportunity to thank her in person for her selfless gift of love through adoption. I went on to share with them about my second adoption…into the Family of God. “Ann and Wylie, I don’t know what the future holds. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. But, if we never see each other again here on earth, it’s my prayer that we will see each other again in heaven one day. Can I tell you about my Jesus?”
Ann and Wylie accepted Christ that day. It was a precious time that I will cherish always. They have both gone home to be with Jesus. I am so grateful that I will see them again one day in Glory.
I know beyond all doubt that The Lord connected my adoption to the birth of my sweet Ryan. And then, circled back around to meeting and sharing Jesus with Ann and Wylie. He’s the Master Dot Connector, that’s just what He does.
My God-story is not unique. Each of us has a Master Dot Connector testimony. Let’s take time to be in awe of His great work in our lives and in the lives of those we love. Nothing happens by chance…He orchestrates it ALL.
Read Ephesians 1
What does it mean to be chosen in Him before the foundations of the earth (vs 4)?
Are you “adopted” by God? Take a minute to share your testimony of your salvation (adoption) experience.
Read back over it and praise Him for His redeeming, dot connecting work in your life that led to your salvation. If you are reading this and you do not have a God adoption story, please contact me below.
Think about the dots The Lord has connected in your life? Relationships, opportunities to share Jesus, compassion connections, ministry connections, adoption, birth stories, friendships, job opportunities, mission trips, and etc. Write down a few.
These connections are ministry. The Lord is living and active in our lives. He takes what we see as randomness and connects the dots. There are people in our lives that are meant to be a blessing to us and then there are people we are meant to bless. Each God-connection is ordained. Yes, even the EGR (Extra Grace Required) people God has strategically placed in your life.
Pray, today, that the “eyes of your heart” will be enlightened to His consistent and amazing work in your life. That you will know and walk into the hope of your calling, sweet sister.
“I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe…” Ephesians 1:18-19
On Day 1, I explained how I was angry with the Lord and finally laid that out before Him. But, before I had that break through, I was suffering from self diagnosed “extreme guilt syndrome.”
I don’t know about you, but anytime I find myself in a difficult situation, I wonder if it’s my fault. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Is God punishing me?
When Ryan was born, we were expecting a healthy baby. After all, that’s what we had prayed for. We did not expect our beautiful son to be born with life threatening health problems that sent him to NICU. And would require open-heart surgery.
I began questioning everything I had done during my pregnancy. Although, I was very conscious about eating healthy and eliminating the things that were unhealthy, I took the burden of Ryan’s condition on myself. I examined every aspect of my pregnancy because I thought it could have been my fault. Worse, yet, had I offended God? Was He punishing me?
After self-examination, God did assure me, through the power of His Word, that Ryan’s condition was not my fault. He bought back to my mind Psalm 139: 13-17 and John 9:1-3. He reminded me that HE is our sovereign Creator. Nothing escapes Him or happens without His knowledge and permission. In THIS situation, God tended to my burdened heart and released me from my self-imposed guilt.
However, there have been times in my life that my Father God enacted discipline because of my sinful actions. I believe that is why I reacted to Ryan’s illness the way I did. I wanted to be sure that our situation was not Daddy’s discipline.
This is the heart of today’s lesson–
When things go wrong in our lives…do we analyze ourselves to see if we bear “fault” in the situation? I feel strongly, based on the scripture we will study, that we should.
In my growing relationship with The Lord, I have learned that it’s healthy to look inward first before launching to blame someone else or to justify my actions/choices. Let’s be honest, it’s easier to blame others than take responsibility for our actions.
Today, we will learn how to examine ourselves before the Lord. Some difficulties or trials we face are for the express purpose of refining, sifting, and ministry preparation. But, some difficulties are the result of sin that has gone unchecked far too long.
Let’s do a heart check–
Read Psalm 26:2 and Psalm 139:23-24
What does David ask God to do? Why do you think this is important?
Long before David took the throne, he was chosen and anointed King. However, it was a long, scary, and tedious journey to the throne. God had a lot of prep work to do in David’s heart and mind before He placed him on the throne. That prep work included a heart of repentance and an unwavering faith.
Read Jeremiah 17:9-10
What is deceitful or desperately wicked?
According to verse 10 what does God search? What does he test or examine?
I love the way the NASB translation lays it out there plain as day…
“ 9 The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it? 10 “I, The Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each one according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds.”
Jeremiah 17:6-10
I heard a saying when my boys were young and quickly placed it into my parenting tool box, “obedience brings blessing, disobedience brings consequences.” To every sinful or disobedient act, there are consequences. Some of our situations are the result of sin. It is so important that we start calling them what they are and stop justifying our sinful attitudes and actions. Our hearts (feelings) can and will deceive us. Every action must be scrubbed against God’s Word. If we are disobedient to His Word, it’s sin.
Anytime you find yourself in the midst of difficulty, ask The Lord through the Holy Spirit to, first, examine your heart and test your mind. Then, immediately repent if your behavior has been contrary to scripture.
This is HARD! I am right there with you…
Examine the difficult situation that you shared on Day 1. Do you need to ask the Lord to examine your heart and test your mind?
Pray and ask the Lord to examine your heart and mind to see if there is any evil or hurtful actions that need to be cleansed. Then, repent of the sin He brings to your mind. The Lord can redeem any situation. Yes, even those of our own sinful making. He is the Restorer of our souls.
Maybe today your heart was unburdened of your own version of self-imposed “extreme guilt syndrome” by your Creator and Sustainer. If you did not already do so, please read Psalm 139: 13-17 and John 9:1-3.
As I stated in my “Faith Journey-Intro,” The Lord has worked profoundly in my life through the birth of our first-born son, Ryan. I have learned so much about the faithful character of God throughout my journey as being Ryan’s (and later, Landon’s) mom.
My prayer is that you will commit to just 30 days with me. Please feel free to print out the questions or copy and paste them into a word document.
I would love for you to ask questions, comment, or request prayer along the way. Now…let’s get started. I’m praying for you.
Day 1
The day after his birth, Ryan experienced a “blue spell” while being examined by his pediatrician. After many tests, we received the news that he had a congenital heart defect called “Tetralogy of Fallot [fa-loh].” This meant our Ryan would need open heart surgery.
Wait…why did Tetralogy of Fallot sound familiar to Ron and I?
One week before our Ryan was born, we got a call from a dear friend in our Sunday School Class. There was a couple in our class who had a baby boy three months earlier who was born with a heart defect. His name was Ryan K. My friend informed us that baby Ryan was being transported by helicopter to All Children’s Hospital for emergency open-heart surgery. Baby Ryan K. had a heart defect called “Tetralogy of Fallot.”
I want to stress this…”Tetralogy of Fallot” is a very rare heart condition. Affecting less than 20,000 babies per year.
And this was the 2ndtime in one week we had heard the term “Tetralogy of Fallot.” Both babies named Ryan. Coincidence?! Absolutely not! Only the Creator God could have orchestrated this connection. However, that is only seen from my rearview mirror perspective. At that moment in time, I was hurting too badly to see God’s hand in this situation. It was only when Heidi, Ryan K’s mom, reached out to me a short while later, that I began to see God’s grace and get a glimpse of His Sovereignty. I will share more of this God-connection in the days ahead together.
To say we were devastated about Ryan’s diagnosis would be a gross understatement. We left the hospital without Ryan. It’s hard to describe the feeling of coming home with an empty belly, empty arms, to an empty bassinet. I was so emotionally and physically drained but I knelt by the bassinet and sobbed. Ron joined me and we prayed and begged the Lord to take care of our precious Ryan.
After 7 long days of back and forth caring for Ryan in NICU, it was time for him to come home. We were given a list of “cardiac failure symptoms” to keep an eye on. I felt like I was on death watch. It was terrifying! Ryan was never out of my sight. At night, I slept with one hand in his bassinet so I could feel him breathe.
I was exhausted! Ryan rarely slept and when he did, I felt compelled to catch up on chores. Stupid, I know, but I thought I could handle everything. I would keep myself busy to avoid an all out breakdown. I was bound and determined to be strong. I would put on a happy face and tell everyone I was “fine.” After all…that’s what a good Christian did, right?!
To keep up with the “all is fine facade,” I enrolled in a women’s Bible study when Ryan was a few weeks old. This study went deep and cut to the core. One night during the teacher’s video segment she said something that echoed in my spirit like bull horn, “If you are angry with God, tell Him. He’s got big shoulders, he can handle it.” My heart began to beat out of my chest. That was it!!! I was down right ANGRY!
Since Ryan’s birth, I had cried, begged for healing, and cried some more. That night, I had the realization that deep down I was extremely angry with God for allowing Ryan to be born so sick. I had prayed about our situation, but I never told Him how truly heartbroken and betrayed I felt. After all, He could have prevented this, why didn’t He? What did Ron and I do to deserve this? What did our precious baby do to deserve this?
I couldn’t get home fast enough. I gave the Lord an earful that night. In our spare bedroom, lying on the floor…I yelled, cried, and poured out my frustrations and heart-break to my God with big shoulders.
What happened next was completely unexpected. God poured out His peace that surpasses understanding. I had never experienced that downpour of peace before. I was so overcome and comforted by it that I stayed to rest in His presence for a while.
When I finally got up off the floor, my son was not instantly healed and all our problems did not vanished. But, My God was faithful to continue to pour out His peace and comfort like I had never known. He was my Savior. He was my Lord. That night, He became my peace. I felt a calm assurance that He would see us through whatever was headed our way. This would not be the last time I poured out my heart on His BIG shoulders.
We will learn throughout our faith journeys that God does nothing without a purpose. But first, we must come before Him with honest, heartfelt confession about our situation…Let Him assure you of His presence and peace in the midst of difficulty.
Read Philippians 4:6-7 and Romans 8:26-28
Do you believe that God is for you and not against you?
Have you experienced His peace that surpasses understanding?
Tell about a time you unleashed your deepest hurts on God’s big, broad shoulders. If you are in the middle of a deep valley of hurt, take time now to go before Him and pour out your heart.
Tell the Lord how you feel. Confess, repent, tattle, proclaim, adore, yell, thank, or ________________________.
Our God can be trusted. Nothing happens without his knowledge or permission. As you begin to sojourn with The Lord, you will see His mighty hand of guidance and preparation…for our good and His Glory.
Pray this promise back to the One who created you and knows you today–
“I know I am Your creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, that You, My God, prepared so that I my walk in them.”
“ For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time that we may walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
Hang in there, sweet friend. There is purpose in the pain. To end today, re-read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. Why does God comfort us?
Look at that sweet face! Now can you understand why not smiling while disciplining was hard at first? LOL!
