Faith Journey-Day 7

Day 7- Profound Silence

It was the end of summer, 1997, Ryan was 18 months old. My husband and I were waiting for the audiologist to finish Ryan’s sedated hearing test. Because Ryan did not receive a hearing test while he was in NICU after his birth, his pediatrician set the appointment for us. It was routine… Just another doctor’s appointment to add to the growing list.

Finally, after an hour, we were called back to be with Ryan and learn the test results. The audiologist took a deep breath and said, “your son is profoundly deaf. We did the test twice just to be sure. Ryan can not hear anything out of either ear… I’m so very sorry.”

We did not expect that AT ALL. We were in denial and completely ignorant…Ryan seemed so keenly aware of his surroundings and babbled like crazy. In fact, one of Ryan’s specialists rang a bell next to his head and he turned. Deaf, really?! This was just supposed to be an easy, routine appointment for once!!! We were in shock.

The next day, I was playing with Ryan on our living room floor. He was laughing out loud enjoying our playtime together. I looked at him in disbelief. This child could not possible be deaf. I decided to do my own home hearing test. I went around the corner and began to bang pot and pans hoping for a reaction…Nothing. Then, I turned on our stereo full blast…Nothing. I called his name from around the corner just out of his line of sight…Nothing.

Over the next days and weeks, I began to set my mind on finding a solution. The questions swirling around in my head were about hearing aids, sign language, retesting, and about a million other things I was completely clueless about.  I spent hours on the phone talking with doctors, audiologists, and specialists trying to find out how to “fix” Ryan’s deafness.  20 years ago, the web was slow and tedious. So, I began reading books about deafness from the library and tracking down people who could help me better understand what we were facing.

During this time of my “solution seeking expedition” regarding Ryan’s deafness, I decided to take him to “story-time” at our church library. It was a fun time with my friends and their toddlers. The librarian was a skilled story-teller and always made it memorable. This was our first time back since Ryan’s diagnosis.

As the librarian began telling the story, I got a lump in my throat as I held back tears. Ryan could not hear the inflection and excitement in her voice. I watched the other toddlers getting excited with each turn of the page. Ryan… had no reaction at all. Why had I not noticed this before?

Story time ended, I did not stay around for fellowship. I could not get out of there fast enough! I barely got Ryan buckled into his car seat before I burst into tears. My first instinct was to drive directly to my mom’s house…. she was not home. Then, I tried to call my husband, Ron, at work…. he was unavailable.

I had no choice…God was calling me to Himself.

I rushed home, got Ryan settled in for a nap, and headed to my spare bedroom “prayer altar” yet again. My Ryan could hear NOTHING. Sound had no meaning to him what-so-ever. He did not know the sound of mine or his dad’s voice. He never heard the millions of times I said, “I Love You.” I’m Ryan’s mom, how did I miss the signs?! Would he ever hear my voice?! Oh Lord, how could this possibly be your will?!  How can any good come from this at all?!

As I have shared, this was not the first time I have cried out to The Lord over Ryan. But this time was different. I had to completely release my ideas of “normal” in relation to our precious son. I was literally grieving Ryan’s diagnosis of profound deafness much like you would someone’s death. Over the next several weeks, I experienced all 5 stages of grief:

shock…denial…anger…bargaining…depression…testing…acceptance.

Our lives would be forever different. We had a deaf son. What did our “new normal” even look like?

 

• Read Psalm 146:

 

In verses 6-9, list those that The Lord upholds, helps, sets free, heals, loves, watches over, and sustains:

 

Are you on that list? Yep! You are not forsaken or overlooked, my friend.

Imagine standing in the middle of a valley surrounded by mountains on every side. The only way out is to go up and over a mountain.  Do you think the journey will be easy? Absolutely not! The task seems overwhelming, tiresome, emotionally and spiritually draining.

Even when we fail to understand God’s purpose…we must trust His heart. I can promise that when you reach the mountain peak, you will look back and see The Lord’s guiding in every step of the journey. You may have callous on your feet from the long and tedious trek up that mountain, but guard your heart from becoming calloused toward The Lord. He is for you.

Pray and ask The Lord to sustain you. You are not on this Faith Journey alone. He’s your guide. So, let Him guide…you follow.

I am continually lifting you up before the Father. Until tomorrow…