As I stated in my “Faith Journey-Intro,” The Lord has worked profoundly in my life through the birth of our first-born son, Ryan. I have learned so much about the faithful character of God throughout my journey as being Ryan’s (and later, Landon’s) mom.
My prayer is that you will commit to just 30 days with me. Please feel free to print out the questions or copy and paste them into a word document.
I would love for you to ask questions, comment, or request prayer along the way. Now…let’s get started. I’m praying for you.
Day 1
The day after his birth, Ryan experienced a “blue spell” while being examined by his pediatrician. After many tests, we received the news that he had a congenital heart defect called “Tetralogy of Fallot [fa-loh].” This meant our Ryan would need open heart surgery.
Wait…why did Tetralogy of Fallot sound familiar to Ron and I?
One week before our Ryan was born, we got a call from a dear friend in our Sunday School Class. There was a couple in our class who had a baby boy three months earlier who was born with a heart defect. His name was Ryan K. My friend informed us that baby Ryan was being transported by helicopter to All Children’s Hospital for emergency open-heart surgery. Baby Ryan K. had a heart defect called “Tetralogy of Fallot.”
I want to stress this…”Tetralogy of Fallot” is a very rare heart condition. Affecting less than 20,000 babies per year.
And this was the 2ndtime in one week we had heard the term “Tetralogy of Fallot.” Both babies named Ryan. Coincidence?! Absolutely not! Only the Creator God could have orchestrated this connection. However, that is only seen from my rearview mirror perspective. At that moment in time, I was hurting too badly to see God’s hand in this situation. It was only when Heidi, Ryan K’s mom, reached out to me a short while later, that I began to see God’s grace and get a glimpse of His Sovereignty. I will share more of this God-connection in the days ahead together.
To say we were devastated about Ryan’s diagnosis would be a gross understatement. We left the hospital without Ryan. It’s hard to describe the feeling of coming home with an empty belly, empty arms, to an empty bassinet. I was so emotionally and physically drained but I knelt by the bassinet and sobbed. Ron joined me and we prayed and begged the Lord to take care of our precious Ryan.
After 7 long days of back and forth caring for Ryan in NICU, it was time for him to come home. We were given a list of “cardiac failure symptoms” to keep an eye on. I felt like I was on death watch. It was terrifying! Ryan was never out of my sight. At night, I slept with one hand in his bassinet so I could feel him breathe.
I was exhausted! Ryan rarely slept and when he did, I felt compelled to catch up on chores. Stupid, I know, but I thought I could handle everything. I would keep myself busy to avoid an all out breakdown. I was bound and determined to be strong. I would put on a happy face and tell everyone I was “fine.” After all…that’s what a good Christian did, right?!
To keep up with the “all is fine facade,” I enrolled in a women’s Bible study when Ryan was a few weeks old. This study went deep and cut to the core. One night during the teacher’s video segment she said something that echoed in my spirit like bull horn, “If you are angry with God, tell Him. He’s got big shoulders, he can handle it.” My heart began to beat out of my chest. That was it!!! I was down right ANGRY!
Since Ryan’s birth, I had cried, begged for healing, and cried some more. That night, I had the realization that deep down I was extremely angry with God for allowing Ryan to be born so sick. I had prayed about our situation, but I never told Him how truly heartbroken and betrayed I felt. After all, He could have prevented this, why didn’t He? What did Ron and I do to deserve this? What did our precious baby do to deserve this?
I couldn’t get home fast enough. I gave the Lord an earful that night. In our spare bedroom, lying on the floor…I yelled, cried, and poured out my frustrations and heart-break to my God with big shoulders.
What happened next was completely unexpected. God poured out His peace that surpasses understanding. I had never experienced that downpour of peace before. I was so overcome and comforted by it that I stayed to rest in His presence for a while.
When I finally got up off the floor, my son was not instantly healed and all our problems did not vanished. But, My God was faithful to continue to pour out His peace and comfort like I had never known. He was my Savior. He was my Lord. That night, He became my peace. I felt a calm assurance that He would see us through whatever was headed our way. This would not be the last time I poured out my heart on His BIG shoulders.
We will learn throughout our faith journeys that God does nothing without a purpose. But first, we must come before Him with honest, heartfelt confession about our situation…Let Him assure you of His presence and peace in the midst of difficulty.
- Read Philippians 4:6-7 and Romans 8:26-28
Do you believe that God is for you and not against you?
Have you experienced His peace that surpasses understanding?
Tell about a time you unleashed your deepest hurts on God’s big, broad shoulders. If you are in the middle of a deep valley of hurt, take time now to go before Him and pour out your heart.
Tell the Lord how you feel. Confess, repent, tattle, proclaim, adore, yell, thank, or ________________________.
Our God can be trusted. Nothing happens without his knowledge or permission. As you begin to sojourn with The Lord, you will see His mighty hand of guidance and preparation…for our good and His Glory.
Pray this promise back to the One who created you and knows you today–
“I know I am Your creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, that You, My God, prepared so that I my walk in them.”
“ For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time that we may walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
Hang in there, sweet friend. There is purpose in the pain. To end today, re-read 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. Why does God comfort us?
I’m praying for you!
